At any given time in life, when there is a change that rocks your world, someone is bound to get hurt. It can be something beautiful, happy, ugly, or devastating. I have lost friends over such instances, and while this makes me sad, I have learned to go to the Lord in prayer for discernment. How am I supposed to react? What do I say or not say? How do I still love, or rid myself of hurt?
When my husband and I decided we would begin trying to get pregnant, we kept it mostly to ourselves. As time wore on, our emotions ran rampant. We were always excited for those around us... announcing their planned, and not so planned, babies to be. However, we wondered through it all why it was not yet our time. This was the lowest point in my life. I found myself hibernating. I asked my husband to do things that I never imagined I could ask of another person... "open my mail, if it's a shower invitation, RSVP no please... I don't even want to know who it's for."
I remember being in a similar fragile state when I was single. While it is not the same, I remember saying to "Mr. Wrong" once that "the next wedding I attend had better be my own!" Well, as you can imagine, ultimatums are never the answer. It took me almost 4 years and about 50 weddings later for Mr. Right to burst unexpectedly into my life. At that point, my heart was so embittered toward marriage that it was the last thing on my mind. Many of my friends' marriages were struggling or had crumbled around me, and this man who God so carefully, and lovingly, designed for me had his work cut out for him! He listened to the Lord and pursued me with all his heart, and I pursued him right back. I had some pretty big walls for him to hurdle, and he gently came alongside me and pulled them down until they were rubble that formed the road that we walk hand-in-hand today.
I praise God for the man He so blessed me with. This man who has survived the trials of his wife going through nursing school. And now, the trials of morning sickness, fatigue and extreme mood swings. Yes, after 19 months, God has blessed us with a little life growing inside of me. While we are completely stunned, and in awe of God's perfect timing, I still feel the need to tiptoe around the friends and family members that I ran away from during their happy times. I could not psychologically handle so many situations, and now, I feel like those feelings should have all just melted away. However, I still feel a awkward holding babies, and asking about other women's pregnancies. Knowing that these women watched me capsize, and now, somehow, I'm back on top of the water. It's as if my oars still have some large holes in them.
I have friends that have been trying to adopt or get pregnant for 3 months, for 1 year, and for even 5 years! Seeing and hearing the sadness in my friends' faces and voices, knowing they are still hurting in that place I was just months ago, I hope I can be as gentle with their feelings as my husband was in tearing down my walls of brokenness. I pray every day that God would bless them with the children they so desire. I pray for peace, and perseverance as they wait and trust the Lord.
It is such a strange place to be. Overjoyed at the little blessing that is going to be part of our family, and at the same time, tiptoeing with my holey oars around this shift in my life. I am sad that I have already lost family members, and a few friendship bonds have been loosed over this announcement. However, I continue to pray for discernment in handling this world-rocking, crazy new chapter of life!
