Death

A common theme of life from death has been driven into my brain over the last few weeks.  In fact, ever since the new year began.  Through the book Redeeming Love, God's small still voice whispers about life coming from death to the main character.  In Last Sunday's Message, our youth pastor preached on the duty of a seed to die in order to bring forth the life of a new plant.  In the book Bittersweet, the author blatantly reveals her heart's sadness in waiting for death to be over, and eagerly anticipating life.

I am compelled to look back over two very life altering instances where my dreams have died, and GOD gave life to new desires... and then fulfilled them beyond my expectation.

Death: October 25, 2000 - Dream of being a teacher.

Life: November 1, 2000 - Promise of being a nurse.

The Unexpected: September 6, 2011 -  Fulfillment of God's promise: becoming an RN in the Oncology field.

Death: October 25, 2003 - Dream of being married.

Life: September 6, 2007 - Promise of being someone's beloved.

The Unexpected: April 19, 2008 - Fulfillment of God's promise: becoming a WIFE.

It is obvious to me, that God's promises are bigger, and much better, than anything I could ever dream up.  I also notice that these fulfillments take timing that I cannot orchestrate.  While I know that I have dreamed of becoming a mother I realize that God will return the unexpected

and new life will come.

Waiting

When we got married, my beloved and I realized we needed a song, the cliche of "our song," for our first dance as Mr. & Mrs. We decided on "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts.  This song rang so true to our hearts as we learned to be newlyweds, and realized that true love is unconditional and forgives past sins. As our hearts mended together over the lives we had lived prior to each other, we grew in love and our foundation on the Lord was built.

In the last year we have faced struggles and endured the heartache that comes with the attempt to grow our family. It seems to be the logical "next step" since we are, in our minds, ready in every way. Basic needs include shelter, food, and clothing, right?  Done.  More complicated needs of course are faith in God that He will continue to provide, love for each other and those around us, and hope even when things get hard.  Done.  So, what's the issue?  Unfortunately, as newlyweds we said things like "I know things will get hard in life eventually, but I just can't believe how blessed we are." I always thought that the real trials would come our way in the form of financial instability or trouble at work or even misunderstandings that led to arguments. I never really thought that the word "infertility" would affect us.

In this time of uncertainty of whether I can bear my husbands children, we have learned more about each other than we thought possible. I have gut-wrenchingly wept uncontrollably more times than I would like to ever admit, and my husband has held me and prayed with me and supported me. He deals with the grief in different ways, but thankfully he is open and honest with me.  We are learning to communicate better when I cannot handle being in another situation with a pregnant woman, I get invited to two baby showers in one day, or I see a father playing with his child.

I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of our latest "adventure" together, and we are already over a year into the ride. Yes, it is sad, and yes, I am allowed to cry. So is my husband.  We are not, unfortunately, strangers to waiting.   We waited for each other, and look how that turned out (my husband reminds me).  We waited for me to get through school, and then waited for my dream job. Both have come and life could not be better in that regard.

However, there is a season for all things. I cannot help but think of Job and Hannah during their times of trial. I am thankful for a husband who is enough, and "more than ten sons" (1 Samuel 1:8) to me. Our hearts break together as we cry out to God and say "Isn't this enough? You said you'd never give us more than we can handle. We are at our breaking point," we also praise him for the life that we have, the friends we can bless by sharing our struggles and welcoming them to share theirs, and the love He has given us for each other.

As we sit in our warm house, clothed and fed, the angelic voice of Ginny Owens floats from the Pandora station, filling the air with the words:

"It may not be the way I would have chosen 

When you lead me through a world that's not my home 

But You never said it would be easy 

You only said I'd never go alone"

The tears well up in my eyes as they do on a daily basis, and I am comforted in the fact that God is in control.  He has only the best for His children...  Us, and the babies that He has promised to us in our future while we continue to wait.  "Our song" is now entitled "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens.

Fireflies

She was the most rockin' Christian music artist I'd ever heard! Cutting edge for '92... I danced around my room singing into my hairbrush to every song on that tape. I listened to her tape so much that it eventually warbled & wore out! Needless to say, I was a HUGE Cindy Morgan fan in Jr. High, and I got to meet her backstage at the CA Mid-State Fair when I was 12! My parents told her that I listened to her tape too loud & with a huge smile, she looked me straight in the eye and said "That's the only way to listen to it!" First concert ever, and I haven't looked back. MMmmm... Praise the Lord for MUSIC!

So, fast forward to last summer. Nate & I were in Virginia at his aunt's house. Nate stepped outside to take a call and came back in to tell me there were FIREFLIES outside! I squealed, jumped off the couch & ran for the door. His uncle said "you'd think she's never seen fireflies before." I turned around like a wide-eyed 5 year old and squealed with delight: "Oh, but I haven't."

*FLASHBACK to that tape from '92*  The song "How Could I Ask for More" is the last track. It was the one I listened to at 12 when I sat and thought of what it would be like to be in love some day. I introduced Nate to this song when we were planning music for our wedding, and I cried as it played:

"Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise 
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord 
How could I ask for more" 

I can honestly say that I have felt every emotion that this song portrays, and experienced all of the beauties described. Fireflies were the last thing on this "list" of wonders for me. Life is beautiful, and our Creator wants us to be in absolute awe of His handiwork. At 12 years old I only dreamed of seeing & feeling all these things. What an awesome God to put those desires in my heart, and allow me to see Him work through every one of them as they were revealed in His perfect timing!

Thank you Cindy Morgan for putting a song in my heart! I'm still a huge fan!

How Could I ask for More
by Cindy Morgan 

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon 
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon 
Catching fireflies at night 
Building castles in the sand 
Kissing Mama's face goodnight 
Holding Daddy's hand 
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more 

Running barefoot through the grass 
A little hide and go seek 
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat 
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around 
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow 
Fall to the ground 
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more 

So many things I thought would bring me happiness 
Some dreams that are realities today 
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me 
Are the memories that I've made along the way 

So if there's anything I've learned 
From this journey I am on 
Simple truths will keep you going 
Simple love will keep you strong 
Cause there are questions without answers 
Flames that never die 
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise 
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord 
How could I ask for more

Chocolate

Does the name Ingeborg's mean anything to you?  It didn't mean anything to me 3.5 years ago, but now it puts a cheesy childlike grin on my face.  It's that grin that reveals that my sweetheart has surprised me with thoughtfulness... and food!

When we were dating, my husband and I both volunteered for the youth groups at our churches.  Even though I usually got out of Wednesday night youth group around 9:15, he would drive 45 minutes to spend time with me after I was done.  One night, after he spent a long day working an hour and a half away, he picked me up at the church.  There was a beautiful burgundy box with the word  "Ingeborg's" printed on it in gold letters, and a neatly tied golden bow on top!  I could tell it was chocolates, and assumed it was for someone else... why would it be for me?  It wasn't Valentine's Day or my birthday.  We'd only been dating a few weeks (if that), and no one had ever bought chocolates for me before.  I picked the box up and set it gently on the back seat while he walked around the car after letting me in.  In one smooth motion, he slid into the driver's seat, looked over at me, turned the key in the ignition, and smiled his broad handsome smile (the one I recognize now that means "did you see what I did, it means I love you?").  Then he raised his eyebrows and said with concern "where is the box that was on your seat?"  He probably thought that I sat on it!  I said "I put it back there."  He told me to get it because it was for me!  I was in awe!  Chocolates?  For me?! Sheepishly I removed the bow and opened a treasure chest of individually wrapped gourmet Danish chocolates from his hometown.  I savored every single one of them, and that is probably the slowest that I have ever eaten a box of chocolates because I wanted them to last forever.

A little over 3 weeks ago, the most commercialized celebration of love took place...  Valentine's Day!  My hubby surprised me, and took me to a new Thai restaurant for dinner a few days early.  When Monday rolled around, I found myself laid up on the couch with a red stuffy nose (attractive, right?), and all the obvious clues of a sinus infection.  I attempted to make a romantic dinner since my love had done his part, and I wanted to make up for the piles of blankets and Kleenex in the living room.  He smiled that great smile, and said "I have something for you."  He ran out of the room, and came back with a box wrapped in red paper with white hearts and a giant red bow.  A small golden sticker on top revealed my gift before I unwrapped it... "Ingeborg's" it whispered to me from on top of the package.  I smiled back (even though it made my nose run), and said "thank you."  Every time he gives me chocolates from Ingeborg's I am reminded of the first box and how I know now that they will last forever!

Affirmation

In 2007, just two days after Christmas, my boyfriend asked me to be his wife.  Through tears and a shaking voice I said "yes," and in that nanosecond between his question and my agreement to enter the life of a bride-to-be, the world stopped spinning and all the thoughts of "is this really happening to me?  He's asking ME?" and "I am so undeserving of his love!" ripped through my mind.  The thought that never formed, however, was "we've only been dating for three months and 21 days."  The length of our courtship was never an issue, and to this day has only benefited our relationship.

Our stint of "being engaged" lasted only two days longer than the dating portion of our relationship, resulting in a whopping seven months and 13 days from the day we met to the day we got hitched!  During that time, we went through pre-marital counseling with an amazing couple from our church.  They have three beautiful children, and a marriage that stands firmly on God's solid foundation.  What a blessing to go to their home every Friday night for dinner and fellowship.  My betrothed and I took their words of wisdom to heart, and still reflect on them often.

During the enlightening sessions of gearing up for "till death do us part," we learned our love languages!  It was a vulnerable way to see into each other's wants and needs.  It is difficult sometimes to express in words how much my heart truly belongs to my husband.  This love thing is so simple that it's complicated.  For instance, I know he loves me because he reveals his heart to me daily through  his words and actions.  Even the simplest smile from him makes my heart swell with joy.  However, I am daily blown away by how simple words of affirmation from little ol' me can brighten my husband's face after a long day.  I know that perfect love is unconditional and unselfish, it is what I strive for, but sometimes I can't help but tell him how I feel just so I can see that grin that tells me I made his day.

Mustard Hearts Are A Dream Come True

As I walked down the aisle, my hand delicately encased in my now "husband's" grip, the finale from Disney's Cinderella boomed from the church loudspeakers. First, the crashing bells that I had always dreamed would be the transition from my single life into my very own version of happily ever after, were quickly pulled together and drowned out by the ethereal voices singing "a dream is a wish your heart makes..." I realized that my fairytale had begun years ago. I never had an evil stepmother or sisters, and little mice friends are hardly my idea of comfort and love. However, I knew that there was someone out there just for me, and that day, my wedding day, I captured him in the eyes of God, family, friends and legal authorities as mine forever!


Let's rewind a few years here... I somehow managed to get through the stereotypical dating years of high school sweethearts, unscathed. I decided at an early age that dating lead to marriage, and why date someone when I was fifteen if I couldn't get married until I was at least eighteen? All the broken hearts around me found me very unsympathetic and unable to understand their shattered pieces. I knew God had a plan for my life, and I wasn't about to go messing with that.


After graduating high school, and moving on through my college years, my heart longed for that certain someone to waltz into my life, understand my thoughts, have patience with me, sweep me off my feet (and gently set me down again), and carry me off into the sunset (preferably by walking side by side rather than on horseback). I wrote a lengthy list of what I expected God to provide for me in a spouse. Simple things like "Spiritual leader, taller, older, plays guitar..." Well, being the klutz that I am, I stumbled into some unfortunate relationships that understandably left me a little more bruised and jaded than when they'd begun. I had let go of my expectations because somewhere along the line I started believing that God could not have possibly created the "dream man" for me! So, in a fit of self-pity and utter frustration, I wrote out a new list. A list that I truly believed that the God I loved and trusted could not possibly fulfill even though this verse had been tattooed on my heart: "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4


As I climbed that long steep hill through the years of finding my way back into delighting myself in the Lord, I remembered that all things I do should be pleasing to Him. I wanted to impress Him again, and make Him proud of me! I know that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I knew that I could strive for perfection, and relearn how to please and glorify Him. He fulfilled His promise and gave me the desires of my heart! He gifted to me the most incredible man I've ever known. He blessed me with a loving, romantic, tall, guitar playing, singing, spiritual leader who is three months older than I am. He also fulfilled the things I perceived would be unattainable! My husband loves me beyond my own understanding, and I thank God for him daily!‎

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 has been stuck in my head as I get ready to graduate from nursing school with my husband helping me along.  He has cleaned the house, made almost every meal, and provided a shoulder to cry on through the whole grueling process.  I observed him making my lunch a few months ago and noticed that he drew a heart with the mustard bottle before he slapped my sandwich together!  I asked about it, and he coyly replied "I always do that, can't you taste the extra love?"  Wow, when God provides a dream come true, sometimes it shows up in mustard hearts!