Better

That’s how my physical body feels right now, better.  Mentally?  I'm still to be determined.  After a week of being “laid up,” as my husband keeps telling friends & family, today is the first day that I did not wake up with excruciating pain in my shoulders and belly.  The shoulder pain is what they call “referred” pain, but it hurt just the same as “real” pain.  As a nurse, I learned that “pain is whatever the patient says it is,” and my husband, without ever being told the same mantra for two years, believed me every time I was squirming and writhing and trying to get comfortable.  He offered me pills, pillows, blankets, hot tea, a heating pad or a hand with re-positioning.  It was three days before he felt comfortable letting me walk down our short hallway to the bathroom without supervision, and I still have yet to shower while home alone.

Nate has always been a faithful caregiver.  During nursing school he did the laundry, cooked all our meals, and cheered me on during those late night study sessions when normally (had I been single) I would have given up entirely and tried my hand at cooking burgers in some greasy establishment.  The last few weeks have been no different in that he has waited on me like I was a queen that held his life in my hands.  One wrong move, and off with his head!  At least, that’s how I feel when I hurt.  However, Nate took my pain-filled, sometimes snippy, mean words and replied politely out of love.  I have told him countless times in the last week that this is the “worse” part of the “for better or worse” vow that we took.  He agrees.

I wish with my whole heart that nursing school was something that happened in our distant past (rather than just releasing its grip a few short months ago), and that we had experienced a season of better before the last 34 days.  During that time, I had an HSG, an ER visit, and a surgery.  Two out of three being what we hope is forward movement toward becoming parents.  

When I was in nursing school, I would tell Nate, “remember our first year of marriage? I promise our lives will be like that again after I graduate…”  We had an incredible first year as newlyweds.  We traveled, we worked together, we gardened, we cooked, we laughed, we enjoyed better.  However, our time has not quite circled back around yet, but we pray for it every day.  We also pray that God will use this time, and not just let it slip through our fingers only touched by things that we consider to be disaster.

We even tried vacationing over New Year’s to “just relax” and to "get away" from reality.  We booked a trip to Cancun and, without travel insurance, and changed it to Kauai just three days before we flew out.  We did not have peace about going to Cancun, and ultimately decided to change plans out of respect for Nate’s family.  The first 24 hours of our vacation were a mind-boggling, exhausting, catastrophe.  We missed our connecting flight due to a weather delay, changed airlines and ran from terminal 7 to terminal 4 at LAX the day before New Year's Eve, could not check into our room (at 2am) due to a miscommunication, and were switched to a different hotel (at 3am) and were almost charged for it.  When things finally started to look like they might get better I grabbed Nate’s hand and prayed “Lord, please let the rest of this trip go flawlessly because this is too much… And please give us free breakfast.”  Well, God heard our cries and He not only let the floodgates of grace open, but He also gave us an upgraded room, gifts of apology from the resort, and two vouchers for free breakfast!

So, let’s face it, no one makes it to the ripe age of 31 without hitting a few walls along the way!  I know that things will get better, because I have seen it happen so many times throughout my life, and even as recently as our trip to Kauai.  As Nate and I pray about our next steps, we surrender them to the Lord wholeheartedly.  I am always thankful that he is my husband, and that we will get through this together on God’s sovereign promises and everlasting faithfulness. 

Tired of the worse, and waiting on the better. Nate & I decided last night that this is “too much.”  We want to resume having conversations about fun, happy things with our friends and with each other.  We want to leave behind the heartache, fears and sadness of what we think might/could/potentially happen in our future.  We also decided that on February 6^th, after what we hope will be my last health-related doctor’s visit for a long time, we will have a “do-over” of New Year’s Eve, and we will officially leave the worse in 2011, and look only for the better in 2012.