Waiting

When we got married, my beloved and I realized we needed a song, the cliche of "our song," for our first dance as Mr. & Mrs. We decided on "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts.  This song rang so true to our hearts as we learned to be newlyweds, and realized that true love is unconditional and forgives past sins. As our hearts mended together over the lives we had lived prior to each other, we grew in love and our foundation on the Lord was built.

In the last year we have faced struggles and endured the heartache that comes with the attempt to grow our family. It seems to be the logical "next step" since we are, in our minds, ready in every way. Basic needs include shelter, food, and clothing, right?  Done.  More complicated needs of course are faith in God that He will continue to provide, love for each other and those around us, and hope even when things get hard.  Done.  So, what's the issue?  Unfortunately, as newlyweds we said things like "I know things will get hard in life eventually, but I just can't believe how blessed we are." I always thought that the real trials would come our way in the form of financial instability or trouble at work or even misunderstandings that led to arguments. I never really thought that the word "infertility" would affect us.

In this time of uncertainty of whether I can bear my husbands children, we have learned more about each other than we thought possible. I have gut-wrenchingly wept uncontrollably more times than I would like to ever admit, and my husband has held me and prayed with me and supported me. He deals with the grief in different ways, but thankfully he is open and honest with me.  We are learning to communicate better when I cannot handle being in another situation with a pregnant woman, I get invited to two baby showers in one day, or I see a father playing with his child.

I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of our latest "adventure" together, and we are already over a year into the ride. Yes, it is sad, and yes, I am allowed to cry. So is my husband.  We are not, unfortunately, strangers to waiting.   We waited for each other, and look how that turned out (my husband reminds me).  We waited for me to get through school, and then waited for my dream job. Both have come and life could not be better in that regard.

However, there is a season for all things. I cannot help but think of Job and Hannah during their times of trial. I am thankful for a husband who is enough, and "more than ten sons" (1 Samuel 1:8) to me. Our hearts break together as we cry out to God and say "Isn't this enough? You said you'd never give us more than we can handle. We are at our breaking point," we also praise him for the life that we have, the friends we can bless by sharing our struggles and welcoming them to share theirs, and the love He has given us for each other.

As we sit in our warm house, clothed and fed, the angelic voice of Ginny Owens floats from the Pandora station, filling the air with the words:

"It may not be the way I would have chosen 

When you lead me through a world that's not my home 

But You never said it would be easy 

You only said I'd never go alone"

The tears well up in my eyes as they do on a daily basis, and I am comforted in the fact that God is in control.  He has only the best for His children...  Us, and the babies that He has promised to us in our future while we continue to wait.  "Our song" is now entitled "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens.